What are you so afraid of?

Identity Crisis

I identify as an addict. I identify as a cold, dark, misunderstood, fortress of mystery. Although I may not present that way when you meet me – I blame that on my deep rooted masking capabilities. But as of these past two days, while I have been trying to kick my addiction cold turkey which has unfortunately sent me spiraling into a depressive episode; I’ve come to realize it’s because I strongly correlate these attributes to my identity and the person I’ve been for many years now. I don’t want to be this person anymore, but also I do. I don’t want to have addiction issues because it’s affecting my health, but I also feel that if I let go of this closed off, dark aesthetic I’ve only ever known myself as – I feel I’ll lose my depth and uniqueness. I will be empty and uninteresting. But why do I have this belief that me becoming the person that I need to be for the betterment of my health means I will lose those unique qualities about myself? I know that’s not true but I feel afraid. I don’t want to hold onto this person that I am just because I sickly enjoy the trauma influenced personality I’ve developed over time. I’m not losing anything. I’m growing. I’m evolving. I’m still this deep, misunderstood loner – just one that will also eat healthy, do yoga, meditate and live a fulfilling, peaceful life. I will no longer let addiction run my life. I am more than what I identify as and me changing doesn’t mean I’m anything less than I was before. I am and always will be a quantum being.

January 20th, 2024 - 1:00 AM

Avoidance

Pain demands to be felt and I’ve come to realize that I’m the chosen one this time around. There is something I feel deeply inside of me that this is in fact my last reincarnation – my last go around. I’m not sure if its because I’ve experienced pain so often or dealt with losing someone so early in life, but I consciously try to appreciate and suck in the moments for as long as I can because I know they aren’t forever. I don’t hold back from saying how much I love something or how beautiful something is because I know in my heart that this whole existence is what this is all about – experiencing, appreciating, loving. I don’t think many people realize this and its something about this hyper awareness that gives me confirmation that this incarnation may be one of the last. But I still struggle with avoidance. I can feel it, somewhere deeply, for a second – when i’m trying to avoid this pain. It doesn’t make sense but its there. But I know now that maybe this is my purpose. What I’m trying to understand finally or the cycle i’m supposed to break. Which is also why I struggle with my identity because pain is tangled in it so much that I think thats all I am but I’m not. But if I stop, am I just avoiding it again? Is this another way for me to not feel that unknowing pain by saying i’m letting go of whats holding me back and trying to do whats best for me? Is it really as complex as i’m thinking it is? How do I let the feeling be felt without it consuming me? Something about it makes me sick to the point I can feel it in my nerves. I don’t know if I’m ready but I know I have to be. I will be.

January 23rd, 2024 - 2:50 PM