Beauty and Chaos

I’m tired. I deal with so many things constantly while also suppressing my wants, needs and feelings to make everyone else comfortable. No one cares about my comfort. No one shows me the attention when I speak, the rare moments that I do, like I show everyone else. No one else figures out or handles anything for me like I do for everyone else. No one is there when I need a ride or need to vent like I am for everyone else. No one pays for everything from the trips to Japan to the daily food and activities for me like I do for everyone else. When I’m struggle to make ends meet no one is there but they’re there when I paid for everything. When I need to do tasks just to live like laundry or get groceries it has to be worked into everyone else’s day instead of me ever getting a day off from their wants. When I’m uncomfortable or having a hard time I have to be quiet cause god forbid I disrupt your slumber, but when I say I’d rather just sleep at home to avoid causing problems now you’re sad. It can’t be both things. Yet I’m a bitch for feeling this way. Where is my grace? Where is my care? Where is the person who comes to my house every day after work instead of me going there while they wfh? Where’s the understanding and compassion? Just cause I keep doing it doesn’t mean I want to. I’m expected to keep waiting. I’m expected to not be angry. No one thinks about the amount of time or energy or steps it takes to do all the things they ask of me. Go back and forth everyday. Get off work, go home, get ready, pick them up or pick food up before going to them – god forbid I need to run errands – go do those, go back to their place, sleep cause you have no time to do anything you actually want to do, wake up, go home so you can get ready for work because you don’t live together STILL, go to work, repeat repeat repeat

It’s not fair.

I’m angry.