Beauty and Chaos

I feel so constricted by time. There is this constant pressure that I’m running out of time.

I only have so much time before I go to bed to be able to do my nightly routine which takes so much time. I need to go to bed as soon as possible or I won’t have enough time to get any sleep. I don’t want to go to bed because the moment I wake up – I have to go to work. Work takes up so much of my time. I’m constantly under this pressure that I need to be doing something productive or else I’m wasting time or someone is going to ask me what I’m doing with all my time. After work, I need to try to fit in doing things I enjoy, spending time with those I love and eating in the short span of time I have left before the night time routine begins. Don’t stay out too late. Don’t eat too late. Don’t waste time. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

For something being a construct – it consumes my entire existence. I hate living a life where all I do is watch a clock. My mind constantly thinks about time and should I do this now or do this after that – what time is it? I regularly daydream about what life would be like if I didn’t have to worry about time. If I didn’t have to worry about being somewhere at a specific time 5 days out of the week. How would life be if I didn’t have to worry about a lunch hour or if i’m late coming back? Would I rest easier if I didn’t have to worry about being up at certain time everyday or counting the number of hours I’m getting for REM sleep? Is it enough? Would life be more enjoyable if my days weren’t dominated by working hours? If I had time, would life actually be fulfilling since I would be able to take my time and try, learn and enjoy things without feeling rushed? Would I appreciate my existence more? My body is so tense just from the mere fact that I constantly have to worry about time. Where is the freedom? I can’t imagine a life where I wouldn’t have to think about time… Is it even possible?

I’d keep typing but I have to go to bed cause its late and I’m running out of time. I’m so angry. I hate time.